verb (used without object) to contend, as in a struggle for mastery; grapple: to wrestle with one's conscience. (Dictionary.com)
Thoughts crowd my brain. Questions. More questions than answers. Constant wrestling.
Balance -
noun: mental steadiness or emotional stability; habit of calm behavior, judgment, etc.
Balance is what I yearn for these days. A sense that everything is okay; a sense of knowing my life is in balance regardless of what I feel or the lens I see life through.
So I work and I train. I'm so thankful for my journey to IMCDA. I guess I have to admit the timing is perfect. I have a goal I am committed to following through on, which is quite rare for me. Setting goals and achieving them, when commitment is required and there is no reason to do it other than my own desire, is not something I am notoriously good at. For some reason I can't explain - I want this. Some days I want it more than others, but I have a drive to complete this goal. I often find myself day dreaming about race day. I picture standing at the starting line in the crisp morning air. I feel the cold water on my feet and the anticipation builds in my every fiber. The excitement of the crowd and the other athletes rubs off on me. I see myself coming out of the water at 2.4miles with a victory smile on my face and I run to transition. I feel excitement as I transition to the bike portion. I feel the wind blowing and it's cold because I'm wet and the cold lake penetrated my core. But the crowd is so encouraging. Every one I pass is cheering for me though they don't know who I am, but that's okay. How many people have I cheered for during IM and it didn't matter that I didn't know them. I was so proud of what they were accomplishing. As I press on pushing my bike and my body I picture myself out there alone with my thoughts. I hear myself saying how awesome it is to finally be accomplishing this goal. I also feel my body start to respond to the effort of covering all the miles and all the hills. I know tiredness is coming. I see myself getting close to transition and I look forward to getting off my bike and starting the run. For a reason I can't explain I love the thought of running after biking 112 miles; not because it will be easy, but for some reason it feels right. That just what happens in a triathlon. Part of what I love about triathlon is doing three very different things and I look forward to the point in the race where I get to change what I'm doing. The run is probably the part I look forward to the least. I've heard from so many people that the real challenge comes on the run - the real mental battle. Where I will have no more physical strength to keep me going and I will have to fight to keep taking steps forward. I don't look forward to that and when I am daydreaming I find myself fighting off the image of quitting at some point on the run because it gets too hard. But that is a battle I face everyday in my life. Will I keep going or will I quit cause it's hard. Then I move on in my daydream to the grand finale. The final stretch down Sherman Ave. where an epic crowd awaits all who cross the finish line and Mike Reilly (IM Announcer) will be waiting to say "Samantha Purcell, you are an Ironman". When I think about that moment tears fill my eyes nearly every time. Just like tears filled my eyes the first time I watched others cross that finish line.
My daydream keeps me moving forward and making the daily choice to swim, bike and run. I want to cross that finish line. I will cross that finish line!
What am I learning? I don't really know yet. Except how to go in a straight line for a very long time :)
This was the first week of my second build phase. My arms are complaining about the amount of swimming and my legs decided to have a small temper tantrum after my long run, but overall it was a successful week. I missed two runs, but completed all scheduled bikes and swims.
Weekly totals:
S:
7250.00 Yd
3h 16m 52s
B: 75.50 Mi
5h 23m 30s
R:
14.00 Mi
2h 47m 55s
Until next time!
